Samhain and the iPod Shuffle Challenge

So it's been a while since my last post, and I just wanted to pop on and wish you all a happy Samhain/Beltane. :)

Call it coincidence or fate, but I seem to remember mentioning that there were two other people I'd seen around school who I thought were wiccans, beside Kat and myself. Well, I was put on library duty with one of them, and intend to try and get to know them beside her being exceedingly shy. The other I asked about her pentacle necklace today, having heard that she attended youth group. Turns out she's humanist. So I was way off. Hopefully I get to know my fellow librarian, because my curiosity is overwhelming.

Now, onto my random attempt at the iPod shuffle challenge. The version I found is where you use your iPod as an abstract technological version of divination. I ask questions, then press shuffle. I take my answer from the song I get. I have some weird-ass shit on my iPod - from European gothic music to Japanese vocaloid and New Age spiritual... Plus your average pop and some other stuff besides. This should be interesting!

Here we go:

What should I focus on for this term at school?  Celebration by Secret Garden. ?!

Have any suggestions for my video log assessment for Media Studies?  Swimming by Florence + the Machine. Again, ?!

This... Is going well? ._.

Okay... Take this one on for size!

What should I do after I leave school, in regards to how to go about my O.E.?  Handle Me by Robyn. Fantastic. My iPod has a sense of humour.

Well, this is amusing if nothing else.

Hmm... What is my favourite song?  Levels by Avicii. Very funny. That's my brothers music, I hate that song.

Er... Predictions for tomorrow!  I'm Still Breathing by Katy Perry. You are hilarious.

Why do you hate me?  306 by Emilie Autumn. A song about suicide. Lovely.

Explain your sense of humour. (This is getting ridiculous)  Levels. Again? I guess you're refusing to answer because i'm being stupid.

Why won't you answer my questions? Seriously, that is. Hello by Evanescence. ... No comment.

Okay, so you do understand my questions, you just feel like coming up with funny answers instead of serious ones?  Thank God I'm Pretty by Emilie Autumn.

Well, that answers my question. My subconscious/iPod is hilarious.

Okay funny guy, what is Stacey's favourite song?  Heard It All by Emilie Autumn. Nice try, she hates EA.

Any advice? At all?  Brick by Boring Brick by Paramore. ... Well, that's actually a serious answer for once. Thanks.

Why choose that question to give a serious answer?  Rose Red by Emilie Autumn. Aaaand you're ignoring me again.

Choose a song that describes my mood at the moment.  Slay Your Dragons by The Dreamside. Hmm. Kinda.

Choose a song that described my mood at lunchtime today. Teen Titans Theme Song? You chose a theme song? Really?

What should I do about my old group of friends? I feel like i've abandoned them. What if: Celtic Mix by Emilie Autumn. (Guess who's my favourite artist. No prizes for the correct answer.) Well.... That sorta makes sense.

What should I aim for this year at school?  Slay Your Dragons by the Dreamside. I guess that sort of makes sense. Get rid of all the bullshit and polish off so I can come into Year 13 gleaming.

Okay, what should I aim for this year in life?  What If: Celtic Mix by Emilie Autumn. You have 300 songs to choose from, why do you keep giving me the same damn songs?

Okay smartarse, what's my favourite colour?  Passacaglia by Secret Garden. Go to hell.

What is my favourite thing about life at the moment?  Loreley. EHHHH! You lose.

What do I want to do to you, my iPod, right now?  Love Story by Taylor Swift. Haha, no.

Since when do iPods have sarcasm?  What If by Emilie Autumn. Brilliant.

Okay, how about some preset questions.

How am I feeling today?  Heartlines by Florence + the Machine. Hmm. Pretty apt description,  as far as tone goes. Lyrics and title... Not so much. I've hardly seen/spoken to anyone today! (Damn extra-curricular activities)

Will I get far in life?  Clocks by Coldplay. My iPod the comedian.

What is my best friends theme song? I have several best friends, so choose wisely.  Aniron by Enya. ... K.

What is high school like?  Dead is The New Alive by Emilie Autumn. Okay, that is funny.

What is the best thing about me?  Dreaming All of You by the Dreamside. Okay, point to you. I am a dreamer.

How was yesterday?  Nocturnal by the Dreamside. I was pretty damn tired by the end of the day!

What is my love life like? (this should be interesting)  Hurricane Drunk by Florence + the Machine. ... I'm sorry, what? That is about love, but... You're supposed to reply by song title Miss derpy.

Let's try again - what is my love life like?  Hot N Cold by Katy Perry. Don't make me laugh.

Last chance, what is my love life like?  Castle Down by Emilie Autumn. You lose!

Alright then. What will my parents say to me?  The Art of Suicide by Emilie Autumn. Weird answer, but then that was a really random question.

What song will they play at my funeral? (oh boy)  Medicate with Tea by Emilie Autumn. Thanks for making me laugh.

How does the world see me? (fuck)  Song from a Secret Garden by Secret Garden. Wow. Again, point to you.

What do my friends really think of me?  Veracini: Sonata in D Minor. ?

What is the world keeping a secret from me?  Bohemian Rhapsody (cover) by Emilie Autumn. ?

How do I make myself happy?  Magic by Ladyhawke. ... Fucking hell. That's damned well scary.

What should I do with my life?  My Delirium by Ladyhawke. The only two songs I have by her... Wait. Delirium?

You want me to waste my life in delirium?  Dreaming All of You by the Dreamside. Wasting my life in delirium dreaming all of... ... ... I'm going to go hide under my bed now.

Will I have children?  Manic Depression by Emilie Autumn. ? How is that relevant?

What is good advice?  New Divide by Linkin Park. ... Okay.

What does everyone else think of my current life?  Fight Like A Girl by Emilie Autumn. ! Okay, 100,000 points to you. You win. That is eerily accurate.

What type of men/women do I like?  Limbo by Kimbra. What? Okay, never mind.

Where will I live?  Cameo Lover by Kimbra.

Try again - Where will I live?  Miss Lucy Had Some Leeches by Emilie Autumn. Fine. Don't answer me then.

Last one - What will my...  Okay, what the hell sort of a question is that. What will my dying words be?  What If: Celtic Mix by Emilie Autumn... What If?

Oh dear gods. I'm going to run and hide under the covers now.

Blessed be,

Willow Silversong. xoxo

Green Eyed Guardians, Cosplay and the Internet.

Last night I was praying for Fifi, as I do every night at the moment. After her disappearance at the start of the year, she came back for two nights, during which we hugged her to death, fed her practically everything we ate - we had two roast dinners, and she got her own small plate of roast meat, mashed potato, gravy and peas - and made the most of her return. On the third day, around about midday, she was hanging around the ranch slider in my parents room. Knowing that she wanted to go outside but was nervous about it, I opened the door and stood out on the deck, watching her. She watched me for a moment, then slowly came outside. I patted her and said it was alright, that the dogs were tied up around the corner. My parents and brother were outside, so it was just us. She'd spent the morning cuddling up to everyone more than usual - which is a lot, considering how affectionate she usually is - almost like she was making the most of our company. When we were outside, she was out with me for about a minute when she stood on the edge of the deck and looked straight into my eyes. Something i've noticed now that we've had both Mittens and Buffy join the clan is the difference behind their eyes. Fifi has a deepness to her eyes, a wisdom, that neither Mittens or Buffy do. She looked right at me for about ten seconds, just looking right into my eyes. Then she turned, jumped off the deck and wandered off. She never looked back.

That was two months ago, and I guess I didn't worry as much because of her last disappearing act. But last night I realised after I'd finished praying at my altar that this is different. She came back to say goodbye. She's not coming back.

Fifi arrived just before my life really starting going downhill. I got sick with glandular fever, became depressed, and then went through a series of events that left me more and more reliant on Fifi until it reached a climax with bullying. At the height of the bullying, I was completely and utterly alone. My friends had all abandoned me, my parents thought I was an overdramatic wimp, my teachers thought I was intolerant and everyone else just didn't bother. The only person, the only living being, that had not abandoned me was Fifi. I would come home every day, lie on my bed and cry into her fur.

She's been with me through thick and thin, and I feel that now that i've turned a corner and am on the mend, now that I can take care of myself, I don't need her anymore. I think that Fifi came into my life to take care of me, guide me through some rocky patches, and be there for me when no one else was. Now that her job is done, she's gone off to live in some old lady's house and retire peacefully. (I don't blame her, what with Mittens and Buffy running wild around the house).

Oh, the stories I could tell about Fifi. How she used to sit on my brothers windowsill, waiting for our car to come down the drive. How when I caught the bus she'd walk up the driveway with me and sit there waiting for the bus with me, purring, then run halfway down when the bus came only to watch me drive away. How when my alarm didn't go off and I overslept she'd sit on my chest and knead my skin with her claws until I woke up (and nearly had a heart attack). How when I was really depressed one day she started playing with me like I was a kitten and made me laugh until my sides hurt. How her fur smells like earth and sunshine.

Wherever she is, I just hope that she's happy, comfortable, warm and fed. I hope that she knows that I love and how grateful I am to her for everything she's done.

I love you, Fifi.

In other news, my internet hates me and would put a snail to shame when it comes to being slow, and i'm having issues creating a cloak for my Raven costume.

That's about it for now, really. I'm going to go and listen to the Raven's Circle podcast and maybe try and sort out a pattern for my cloak.

Blessed be,

Willow Silversong. xoxo

P.S. I've started playing Kingdom Hearts 2 again, thanks to my friend Hanna who got past that level I was stuck on for a year. She did it in ten seconds after not playing KH for two years. -sigh-

Samhain - A New Year, indeed.

I have heard that Samhain is the Wiccan's New Year, and if that is true, then I am in sync with nature. It may be the start of April, with Samhain at the very end (for me in little old NZ, anyhow), but already I feel as though I have begun my fresh start.

It seems as though at the end of every day, when I stand straight and still with my hands resting on my altar, and I pray to the Goddess, I smile and thank her for how amazing my life is right now. Coming from one who since the age of nine seems to have had issues with one thing or another, to be at a point in my life where I have a loving family, friends who love me for who I am and who I am comfortable around, an academic record that I'm relatively happy with, a room I love to be in, good food, good classmates (with a couple of minor (slutty) exceptions), good teachers... It's amazing.

Absolutely everything in my life is fantastic right now. And to be able to say that brings tears to my eyes. From my daily routine to the colour of my hair to my social life, everything is absolutely wonderful. I do wish I could find the time for writing and studying wicca more often - it seems like most of my spare time i'm either hibernating, seeing friends or doing homework - but I'm a teenager, and I have time to do that all yet.

Oh, my life is not perfect. I'd love to lose a little weight. I'd love to find more time for wicca. I'd love to write more often. I'd love to have an electric violin to play on the weekends. I would love more money (don't we all) to spend on little things like some crystals at the local crystal shop or a particularly spectacular notebook at the bookshop. I wish I did not have every single guy friend I make (I don't have many) crushing on me. And I wouldn't particularly mind a little romance. Oh, and I'd love a big, bountiful herb garden with every herb I could ever wish for. And a library. And to live a little closer to town. Ooh, and i'd love a bigger room with a window seat. Hell, there's this one house just outside of town that has a loft, a nice big room and space for a small library, plus I could probably find the space to plant out a herb garden and its got a nice amount of green fertile land to look out on. But, unfortunately, its only going to be ours if we win the lottery. :)

But that's the beauty of it. I wish I could have all these wonderful things, but I don't, and i'm happy anyway.

Earlier in the year, the only thing standing between me and this wonderful state was my anxiety and panic attacks. Now that i've started medication and am beginning to work on some specific aspects of my anxiety, there's nothing.

For the first time in goodness only knows how long, every single day when I go to bed I can smile, close my eyes and thank every god there is that I have such a wonderful life, before drifting off happy as a cat with a bowl of warm milk.

I can honestly say this is the best my life has ever been, for as long as i've been alive. And that, my friends, is beyond words.

Bright, bright Easter blessings,

Midwinterain. xoxo

P.S. My hair is blood red again. Yay life! ^_^

P.P.S. Cold peppermint tea tastes digusting!!!

False Alarms, Wishing Eggs and Cups of Tea.

So my last post was me freaking out because I thought my depression was back. After a talk to my psychologist, we worked out that it was just me jumping at shadows because of my previous history, and discussed how far i've come since I started seeing her last year. In contrast, I am now feeling like it's all behind me. I'm not feeling any major anxiety or depression, and the last four or five days have been great for me. I have friends that fully accept me for who I am. Last night I went out with my main group of friends that I spend most of my time with. I was delighted when, after dinner, we were walking to McDonalds for dessert (because we're cheapskates), and a friend of mine looked up at the moon. She turned to me and said "What phase of the moon is that?" I looked up and answered "waxing crescent". Another friend, who we'll call Mushroom, laughed and said "when in doubt, ask the wiccan!" To hear a friend joke about it so lightheartedly with a smile on her face, so at peace with what I am, was fantastic. All my doubts and worries about coming out of the closet are out the window.

Onto Easter! One thing I have not grown out of is the anticipation of Easter and the chocolate it brings. Specifically, I anticipate the Great Bunny. Every year I ask for one, and this year I got one after three years of getting something else because the supermarket ran out. The reason? The Purple Wishing Mini Egg. The two times I have got the Great Bunny and wished on this egg, its come true. The first year I wished that I wouldn't be anxious anymore, as I was dealing with massive panic attacks. Within two months, hallelujah, I was not anxious and not having panic attacks! The second year I wished for friends, as I had none at the time due to bullying. And hallelujah, within two months I was making friends!

So today, when my darling mother walked in the door with a Great Bunny, I cheered like a six year old. The last hour I have been turninP.g over what I am going to wish for. The possibilities are: "I wish to get rid of my anxiety and depression forever within the next year!" "I wish to get an Excellence endorsement on my NCEA Level 2 certificate!" or "I wish to survive my teenage years and come out the other side well-rounded, confident and ready to face the world!"

My last possibility is "I wish to have a book of mine published by the age of 20!"

I can't decide!!! Normally I eat the wishing egg and then eat the Bunny, but this year I think I might eat the Bunny and save the egg till very last.

Call me childish, but its a part of Easter I never fail to enjoy.

(Come to think of it, I just realised that an important anniversary is coming up in a weeks time and i'd forgotten all about it! It will be the six year anniversary of my falling down the escalator and developing anxiety and panic attacks all those years ago... I've come a long way to not be dreading it anymore.)

Lastly, I have lately started enjoying tea. Up until a week ago, I hated it. It tasted disgusting, and I could not understand how anyone could enjoy such a horrible drink. Now... Well, while sitting here and doing my History assessment resubmit that's to be handed in on Tuesday, i've drunk three cups of tea and probably would have drunk a fourth had my mother not come home!

On that note, i'm off to finish my assessment.

Well, try to anyway.

Blessed be,

Willow Silversong. xoxo

P.S. Gods I feel fantastic. :)
P.P.S. Here's the chant that's (usually) included with the Great Bunny, but recently has been omitted because they no longer advertise the 'wishing egg' although it is still there:

"O Purple Wishing Mini Egg, while I am eating you,
I'm thinking of a special wish, please make my wish come true!"

Shadows

What can I say? I'm over this. All of this. Not wicca, not my friends, not my family, not school, not any of the things that I love and that keep me going every single day. It's what they keep me going through  that i'm over.

My anxiety is finally under control. I'm guessing the pills are mostly responsible for that. But, as always, lurking in the shadows is the other menace.

Depression.

I've spent the last seven years flicking between depression or anxiety, and the year or so that I was free I still wasn't exactly peachy. Bullying had left me pretty damn anxious, so I was terrified of reaching out for fear i'd be rejected.

Anywho, i'm sick of it.

Always flicking back and forth, taking turns at wearing me down. So, i'm throwing caution to the wind. If being good, perfect, let's please everyone little scholar gets me nowhere, then fuck it. If i'm going depressed and anxious, i'm going to have some fun to spite them both. I'm going to wear gothic clothing, heavy makeup and draw all over my arms. I'm going to not bother studying (to an extent), not wring myself out over my results, not follow the rules. I'm going to bunk, i'm going to rebel, and i'm going to have some goddamn fun.

I don't really have much else to say. I'm just so tired of them both that i'd do almost anything for a fucking break. I keep telling myself 'you're going through this for a reason. This will all make sense when you're older.'

I'm beginning to think i'll be like this for the rest of my life, maybe even get worse, and i'll never get a reason for it.

Which is why I feel like tearing my skin off and setting myself on fire. I just feel so frustrated and angry and depressed and like i'm going to cry and just so many emotions that I want to explode.

Gods damnit all.

Blessed be,

Midwinterain. xoxo

P.S. i'm trying to ignore the movie my parents are watching in the lounge. Season of the Witch. Yay. Excuse me while I set the t.v. on fire. ._.

Rebellion

So after coming out as a Wiccan I am feeling a lot more comfortable about my religion. Several of my closest friends know, and apparently one friend of mine found out and went and did some research according to my brother. As for the rest, well, I don't really give a damn what they think when they find out. Still need to talk to my Dad, and one old friend is yet to find out, but apart from that...

So, onto the main topic for today. I have always, always been that kid. The one that never breaks the rules, is terrified of getting in trouble, has never bunked school, has never been in detention and only last week got pulled out of class to get told off for the first time. I don't do drugs, I don't drink alcohol, and tend to do everything I can to impress my parents and teachers. But in the last month, there has been a change. All my life, I have followed the rules practically to the letter. Sure, I talk in class, I don't hand in homework, but that's really about it. I'm publicly known around the school as a goody-good. But I'm sick of just being known as 'that curly haired goody-good with the glasses who dyes her hair weird colours'. I want to try something new for a change.

Now, I'm still steering well clear of the police, well clear of drugs and alcohol and if you think i'm giving my body up to some horny asshole in order to change my reputation, well, you can think again. I'm planning on staying a virgin for quite some time yet, thankyou very much.

But, as to the rest...

I did a rune casting asking for answers. I found that the reason I want to rebel is for a change, for something new and to explore sides of myself I don't normally let out into the light. I asked what would happen if I did go through with my urges, and I found that I would experience self-awareness, knowledge and confidence. I asked what would happen if I suppressed my inner rebel, stuck to my "get an excellence endorsement" plan and tried to be a goody-good, and the runes forecast constraint and resistance.

I took this as a sign that I should explore every side of myself, and experience all life has to offer so that I know myself inside and out. If I give in to the urge to rebel and play wild for a while, I will come to know a different side of myself and end up with a greater awareness of myself, which will result in confidence. If I suppress it, I will feel constrained and caged, and eventually end up rebelling anyway. Best to get it out now before exams!!!

So I'm going to. I'm going to bunk for the first time in my life, i'm going to talk in class, wear radical clothing and makeup. I'm going to dye my hair even stranger colours than before, i'm going to lie to my parents to get places they wouldn't allow me (like staying the night at a friends house just the two of us), and generally live life on the wild side.

But I am in no way an idiot. I'm putting down limits. Anything that could endanger my life, my sanity or my relationship with my parents - or get me on the wrong side of the law - is strictly off limits. For example, I'm going to wiggle my way out of a plan to go with four others into the city to get drunk and stay in a hotel when only one of us (not me) will be 18!!! (It won't be hard, I'll just tell one of them in particular that i'm not comfortable with the idea and she'll make up something to say to the others. She's great like that.)

So i'm going to be a rebel, but a smart rebel. I feel, after much consideration, that this is necessary for me. Once i've tried it, I can understand myself better and decide what I really want to be. Chances are, once I've got it out of my system i'll settle right back down and go back to being a goody-good. I just feel that this will help me grow as a person.

And I will point out that my being a rebel will have nothing to do with my parents save going places without their permission on occasion. I'll still do my chores, still be kind to them (and to everyone else, for that matter), still obey them (save a few occasions) and basically still be - where they're involved - the same that I was before. I'm content with how life is at home, and like the way my parents have raised me. Where they're concerned, I don't really want to rebel. I'm happy with the way things are.

Well, that's my little bit for today. I think now more than ever on this blog you can see my age! XD

Blessed be,

Willow Silversong. xoxo

P.S. I've decided to start signing off with my magickal name. I did say at one point that I would when I found it. And the more I use it, the more sure I am that it is my magickal name. It just feels right. :)

Dreams

I've been having lots of weird dreams lately (and yes, that does indeed indicate that i'm sleeping long enough and deeply enough to have them, which is a good sign as far as my nightly panic attacks are concerned), but I get the feeling there's more to them.

The night before I had a dream that a friend was holding me while I was asleep, and I felt so safe and secure that I could sleep peacefully. Then last night I dreamt that I was standing outside an abandoned house that someone had told me not to enter, and I felt so pulled to enter. But I didn't want to because i'd been warned against it. Then I saw through the gate, and in the garden there were random pieces of metal spelling out my initials. I added that to the deep desire to enter that I didn't understand, attributed it to someone telling me i'm supposed to enter, and went in.

Now, both of these dreams were a lot longer than this, and I can remember tiny flashes of the rest of the dream and the context these two larger pieces were in... But the only parts I can clearly remember are these two parts above.

I think the Goddess is trying to tell me something, don't you? :)

Also, nyan cat. <3

Blessed be,

Midwinterain. xoxo

Freedom

I just came out of the broom closet. On Facebook. I just publicly declared myself a wiccan.

...

Fuck.

Insomnia

Soooo it's two pm on a Monday and i'm sitting at home on the internet when I should be at school. Why? That's a long story.

We'll begin with my anxiety. I've been having it ever since I was ten and fainted at the top of an escalator. Which brought about a severe phobia of fainting and, because of this, panic attacks. About a year and a half later, I got it under control (with help). A year after that, depression settled in for the ride. Exams last year brought that anxiety to the surface and it just hasn't gone away. Over the Christmas break I was having panic attacks just like I used to back when I was ten. On top of that, in the last three weeks i've started having panic attacks in the middle of the night. It started with one at three a.m. where I thought I was having a heart attack, and then suddenly it turned into a thing. I go to bed, and spend a couple of hours trying to get my anxiety under control so I can sleep. Some nights its just the anxiety levels, other nights it evolves into a panic attack.

Then, last night happened.

I went to bed at ten thirty after watching the Big C (which is a fantastic programme, by the way, should any of you in Australia or New Zealand choose to check it out), and couldn't sleep. Went and got my Mum after two hours, who came and slept in my room with me (I have a queen bed). At one point after much, much, much tossing and turning and panicking and crying, I got up and checked the time. It was three a.m. Still no sleep. At all.  Then the panic attacks stop. However... Four a.m. Nothing. Five a.m. the rooster starts crowing, and I still haven't got a wink of sleep. Commence one hour straight of praying - no, begging the Goddess, every God and Goddess I could think of, even the Christian God, for just an hour of sleep. Six a.m. The sun starts rising and I start balling my eyes out because i'm exhausted, emotional and still feeling anxious, and doubt if i'll ever fall asleep. Seven a.m., I get up with the rest of my family, have breakfast and then spend the next four hours reading, playing games and watching t.v. in an attempt to distract myself so I can doze off.

By one p.m. I've had a screaming match with the sky, yelled at the gods, bellowed out the lyrics to Emilie's newest song again and again till there's nothing left. My mum's come home from work because i've rung her up in tears, I've pulled out the rescue remedy, drank one cup of camomile and am sitting with another gone cold beside me, when finally, with Adventure Time playing in the background and a half-eaten slice of apple and date loaf in my hand, I fall asleep.

I'm taking the day off school tomorrow as well, as I have an appointment with my psychologist, when we will discuss medication. Medication is one thing I was determined to never be on. Not so much because i'm afraid of it or dislike it, it's just nice knowing that I don't have to rely on something to keep my depression and anxiety at bay. Plus I have a terrible memory and know i'm going to forget to take it quite a bit at the beginning.

I understand that at this stage its necessary, but... the knowledge that i've sunk to this level really brought things home for me, and on top of the sleep deprivation and the panic... I melted into a puddle of tears, really.

So yeah. School's great, i'm finding it a breeze. I have more friends than i've ever had before and they're all good friends that I feel I can trust. I'm losing weight, my herb garden is about to be moved to a better position and a permanent one, and life is coming along nicely.

Problem is, I'm not.

If you know any spells/herbal remedies/mantras, anything really that can help with anxiety, depression or insomnia, I would really  appreciate it if you could share. By this point, I'm ready to try anything short of dancing through Wellington naked with my hair shorn off and my body painted with rainbow stripes. (Which, admittedly, (apart from the naked part) sounds like fun.)

Also, about that mantra I came up with - Lavendula Ehwaz Athene? It turns out I am allergic to Lavender and i'm wondering whether that could have any effect on it's... effects... :P

Blessed be,

Midwinterain. xoxo